Xenophilus Lovegood and Luna's BACKPACK!
by GodricGryffindorIsAHobo
Summary: This is a completely random story about Xenophilius's attraction to Luna's BACKPACK! This was written when the writers were really really hyper and felt like doing something INSANE! So, here you go....
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1 if Xenophilius/BACKPACK (AKA "Where is the Keystone?") **

_**Note:**_Xenophilius is on some drugs during this incase you couldn't tell.

Xenophilius was walking through his house one day when he stumbled on Luna's BACKPACK! The BACKPACK was bright yellow with hot pink unicorns on it. Mr. Lovegood was instantly attracted. "Hello my friend of BACKPACK-y goodness!" "Xenophilius I have a mission for you." "Umm….Ok" "If you take the red pill you join the ranks of the yellow BACKPACKs with pink unicorns on them. If you take the blue pill everything goes to normal. BACKPACKs will never talk to you again, or make you attracted to them again." _Oh no! _Xenophilius thought _the BACKPACKs may not attract me again! _"I'll take the red pill please!" He stated. The BACKPACK smiled and a pink unicorn handed him the red pill. He went to the kitchen to get a glass of water…BUT WAIT! I have magic!...and then he pulled one from thin air with his wand. He then took the pilil. Suddenly bright yellow BACKPACKS with hot pink unicorns on them appeared EVERYWHERE! "Congratulations Xenophilius! You have now joined the ranks of the yellow BACKPACKS with pink unicorns on them!" One of the BACKPACKS thoug wasn't so friendly. "Does Lord Voldemort know you raid his wardrobe?" "You can find out the answer to that question next Saturday, Mr. BACKPACK. Luna's BACKPACK shot back. Later, Mr. Lovegood would find out that that BACKPACK'S name was Neo. The Neo BACKPACK was excited that he was finally no the "new meat." Xenophilius was not worried about Neo because Luna's BACKPACK would save him. "What is your name, O BACKPACK of my daughter?" "I am John Bender!" AND THE BACKPACK LAUGHED. Just then a soft voice called from outside the room. "Daddy? Are you in there?" "Yes sweetie, I was just getting your BACKPACK from the closet." Mr. Lovegood came out of the closet holding 'Bender' the BACKPACK while all the other BACKPACKS disappeared through an opening in the wall. Luna calmly said, "Thanks Daddy, I've been looking for this."


	2. Chapter 2

Xenophilius/ Backpack Chapter 2 (AKA Amisarewaswere)

Author's note to AngerClinicPatient98: Why must you hurt us in this way!!! We weren't high we were hyper! There IS a difference!!!!

Amisarewaswere is Bender the BACKPACK's best friend. She knows that Bender is somewhat gay. This doesn't really bother her except for when he starts attacking humans. Xenophilius is one such human that she cannot stand. Of course she has never really gotten to know him yet but she is sure she will not like him. MEANWHILE…. Xenophilius was talking to Bender. "Bender do you think it is bad that I take hallucinatory drugs?" "No! Gosh No! It makes things much more fun how else would you have joined the ranks of the yellow BACKPACKs with hot pink unicorns on them? Everyone knows you can't actually talk to BACKPACKS!" "Hello gentlemen… and Xenophilius." "Oh! Hi Amisarewaswere." Bender said not caring that she just said that Xenophilius wasn't a gentleman. Just then Xenophilius pulled Amisarewaswere aside and they began to talk. Amisarewaswere was instantly enthralled by Xenophilius and his tendency to take hallucinatory drugs.


	3. Chapter 3

Xenophilius/BACKPACK chapter 52

Luna had been horrified to find the pill bottle. She had noticed her father's odd behavior and had gone searching in his room. She thought that the shoebox would contain old pictures (maybe candy) but certainly not drugs "I've really got to check him into rehab!"

Later that day Amisarewaswere and Xenophilius went to a movie. The movie was "The DaVinci Code." Xenophilius' favorite part was when Silas said "Where is the key stone?!" So when they came home he stated "Where is the BACKPACK!?" when he arrived. Luna came from the kitchen and said "You mean _my _BACKPACK Daddy? I _accidentally_ left it at school." –Inside she was thinking of just how much time her father seemed to be spending with the BACKPACK in recent history.- "WHAT!?!?!?!? How could you! THINK OF YOUR UNFINISHED HOMEWORK!!!!!!" "Uh Dad? I don't have any homework today." "Oh…erm right."

Xeno loved that so far Luna hadn't noticed his drug addiction. The only way she could've found out is if she had found his pill bottle in it's secret hiding place in a shoebox under the bed under a pink unicorn printed cloth (there were also pictures of Sponge Bob from the Christmas Party lol JK!!! We just had to add in the secret box episode)

TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 356/89

This article, about Xenophilius, was posted in the Daily Prophet on November, 1st 1998 (Nearly a year after his imprisonment by Death Eaters in Azkaban)

Today is a great day in the world. Xenophilius Lovegood has broken out of rehab to visit a small cottage in the woods witnesses say. One Draco Malfoy claimed that it was in fact a one Bellatrix Lestrange running from "Rehabilitation for Under Noticed, Needy, Interesting, Narcotic Grapes". "RUNNING is the best thing to have happened to this city!" One anonymous character stated, "There are a lot of drug issues here!" I, Ms. Chrystal Meth, personally don't agree with certain allegations that this town has too many druggies, but I may be biased. To continue our story, Mr. Lovegood is now wanted by RUNNING and by his 17 year old daughter Luna. If anyone has seen this generally loveable 45-year-old please contact RUNNING at 555-2398 (his daughter Luna's number will be posted on our website). Oh sorry this just in: we cannot give out 17-year-old girls' phone numbers… sorry I'll just be leaving now.

-Crystal Meth


End file.
